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| If It Weren't For Canada..... |
| by Kerri Nelson |
| If it weren't for Canada, the United States would be a boring, boring, culturally sterile country. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't be able to talk on the telephone, turn on the lights, or watch cable television. For these important inventions that we take for granted every day were all developed in Canada. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have Trivial Pursuit, Pictionary, or basketball, thus our leisure time would be long and dull. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have insulin, snowmobiles, or kitchen stoves. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have an "All-American Pastime" for baseball gloves were also invented in Canada. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have zippers or Superman or Beano. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have had the cult hit "Titanic", the director James Cameron, and Celine Dion are both Canadian. Adn so our precious (retch, retch) Leo DiCaprio would still be that awkward kid on "The Growing Pains" which, coincidentally we wouldn't have had either because Alan Thicke is also from Canada. |
| If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have a map of the human brain, or lear jets, or Standard time. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have V-chips or a source of uranium for the nuclear bombs we are so proud of. If it weren't for Canada, we couldn't watch "Friends" every Thursday night, because Matthew Perry is Canadian. We wouldn't have "The Blues Brothers" or "Animal House" because Dan Akroyd and Donald Sutherland are from Canada. If it weren't for Canada, we wouldn't have had the funny "Saturday Night Lives" of the 70's, but of course we also wouldn't soemeone to blame for the crappy ones we watch now, because Lorne Michaels, the producer is also Canadian. We wouldn't have been able to grow up watching "Family Ties" or "Jeopardy" or "Beverly Hills 90210" because Michael J. Fox, Alex Trebek, and Jason Priestly are from Canada too. There would be no "Lethal Weapon" movies, not"Late Night with David Letterman" (well, we'd probably still have that) or "Dawson's Creek, because Leslie Nielson, Paul Schaffer, and Joshua Jackson are Canadian. |
| Whose home videos would we watch over the Internet if we didn't have Pamela Anderson? What would we do as a culture without Mike Myers, Peter Jennings, and Martin Short? Can you imagine life without Jim Carrey, or Warner Bros. Studios, or Perry Mason? How about Monty Hall from "Let's Make a Deal" and Bret the Hitman Hart and Rich Little, and K.d. Lang? Or Red Green, or Mary Pickford, or Howie Mandel? What music would we listen to if we didn't have The Barenaked Ladies,Steppenwolf, The Guess Who, Anne Murray, Alanis Morrissette, Gordon Lightfoot, Bryan Adams, or Neil Young? |
| America, stop being so self-involved, for we would be nothing with out Canada. Let's stop with the "Let's declare war on Canada" plans, they hate us enough already. |
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