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| Precinct Open |
|
| Ken: ...(?)...Nothing funny enough to start a show with. Umm...anything funny come in? |
|
| Cops: No...no.. |
|
| Kevin: Oh yeah, there's a kitten stuck in a tree on 72nd Street. |
|
| Ken: Yeah, well, that's more cute than it is funny. Umm...oh, I got an idea. Since we're on a comedy show, let's pretend something funny happens |
| right...now! |
|
| Cops: (laugh) |
|
| Dan, The Very Popular Openly Gay High School Student |
|
| (In locker room) |
| Joe: Hey! Are you looking at my ass? What the hell? Are you some kind of fairy or something? |
|
| Dan (Tom): Yes, I was looking at your ass, and I prefer to say gay, which I am. Didn't you know that? Everybody knows I'm gay! |
|
| Joe: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm new here. Nice to meet ya. |
|
| Dan: You too. You're very handsome. |
|
| Joe: Thanks. Oh, great, now I'm blushing. |
|
| (In the halls) |
| Ken: Hey Dan. Did you have fun at the gay bars last night? |
|
| Dan: Yeah, I had a great time. In fact, I met a very attractive man there, had sex with him. |
|
| Ken: Hey, all right! Way to go, Dan the gay man! |
|
| Coach (Kevin): Dan, get your openly gay ass over here. |
|
| Passing Kid: He's like a homosexual Fonzie! |
|
| Dan: Hi coach. |
|
| Coach: My uhh, wife was gonna throw these out, I figured you might want 'em. (holds up dresses.) |
|
| Dan: Oh, that's very sweet of you coach, but I'm not a transvestite, I'm just gay. |
|
| Coach: So let me get this straight. You just prefer having sex with men? |
|
| Dan: You got it coach. |
|
| Coach: Right on! I'll catch you later Dan. ha ha. |
|
| (In the cafeteria) |
| Mike B: Dan, I'm not gay, but I was wondering if you'd go to the prom with me. |
|
| Dan: Oh, I'm sorry. it's not because I'm not attracted to you, because I am. A lot. I'm nuts about men! But I already have a date. |
|
| Ken: Ooh! Who are you going to the prom with, Dan? |
|
| Dan: Here he comes now. |
|
| (Mike S. approaches) |
|
| David: Vice-Principal Morgan? |
|
| Kelly (Kerri): He's a hunkosaurus Rex! |
|
| VP Morgan: Kelly, spit that gum out, right now! |
| Hi. |
|
| Dan: Hi. |
|
| Crowd: Awww! |
|
| VP Morgan: Until tonight, Dan. |
|
| (At prom) |
| Dan: (Dancing with VP Morgan) |
| I gotta go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. |
|
| Coach: All right all right. And now it's time to announce the prom King And Queen. Ahh, it's no big surprise. You all know him, he's very |
| popular, and openly gay, Dan, And his lover Vice-Principal Morgan. |
|
| VP Morgan: Has anyone seen Dan? |
|
| Coach: Anybody know where Dan is? |
|
| Ken: We know he's not in the closet. |
|
| (Dan is revealed by the coach's wife behind the stage curtains kissing Kelly.) |
|
| Dan: I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm through with lies. I don't like having sex with men. I told you I was gay, because thought it was going to make |
| me popular, and it did. And I just can't say how sorry I am. |
|
| VP Morgan: You just got yourself a week's worth of detentions Mister. |
| Spit that gum out! |
|
| Coach: No wonder he didn't want the dresses. |
|
| Joe: Does that mean you don't like my ass? |
|
| Dan: (approaching microphone with pants around his ankles) |
| No, you've got a great ass. We all have great asses each in our own way. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that we should appreciate each |
| other for what we are. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a girl to kiss. |
|
| Crowd: Boo! Go get married! Boo! |
|
| Kerri's Day |
|
| Kerri: Hi, I'm Kerri. As the only female member of The State, I receive lots of letters asking me, "What's it like being in a group with ten guys? As |
| a woman, do you have as much creative input as the men? Yes I do! The State is an ensemble and there are no distinctions between men and |
| women. To show you what I mean, I thought I would take you through my typical day here at The State. Enjoy. |
|
| My day starts early. 4:30, eeek! But it gives me just enough time to do my hair and nails. Perfect. After that I go to each State member's home |
| where I wake him up and cook him a healthy breakfast. Writing jokes takes a lot of energy, and my hungry boys need their protein. Ken usually |
| drives me to work, because as you can imagine, I'm a terrible driver! Once we get to the office, it's time to start writing jokes. Well, I leave that to |
| the guys. My morning is spent on the phone gabbing to my girlfriends about my period. Then it's lunchtime, yum! A small salad and then I hit the |
| shops. Tabitha Soren and I usually meet at our favorite shoe shop. Shoes are my weakness, that's what Tabby says. Whoops! I'm needed on the set. |
| They need me to pick out their costumes. And today I get to act in a skit. I'm playing Joe's girlfriend, and we get to kiss! Tomorrow I'm playing a |
| hooker. I love the challenging roles the guys write for me. After a hot day under the lights it's time to turn in, so I tuck the guys into their beds and |
| head home to unwind. Tonight I rented Sleepless in Seattle. I always cry at Sleepless. Then it's bedtime, and boy, am I pooped! So I turn out the |
| lights, and get ready to do it all again tomorrow. Good Night! |
|
| So, as you can see..in The State, I'm not "The Girl." I'm just Kerri. |
|
| Mike B: (In ski suit) Kerri, I can't zip this. |
|
| Kerri: Oh, okay sweetheart, I'll be right there. |
|
| Mike B: I love you, Kerri! |
|
| Kerri: I love you too honey. A woman's work is never done. Enjoy the show! |
|
| Dreamboy |
|
| Kerri: I knew a rideshare across country would come with some surprises. The biggest one was named George. |
|
| George (Kevin): Wanna know something? The second I saw you, I couldn't help but think, "Now there's the kind of girl I'd call a real lemon." Let's |
| go. |
|
| Kerri: It was at that moment that I first felt truly alive. |
|
| (He drives off without her) |
| Kerri: Wait! Wait! |
|
| (In car) |
| George: You know, they oughta make a stained-glass portrait of me with a halo for driving you cross-country. I mean, I knew I was bringing the |
| dishes on this trip, I didn't know about the garbage. |
|
| Kerri: At first I had big misgivings. I wasn't going to fall sucker to another Don Juan. |
|
| George: You know, you're pretty lousy. Gives me the fits. See? Ack! Ack! See, fits! Ack! |
|
| Eeeew! |
|
| Kerri: He was really warming up. He was getting to know me, more and more intimately. |
|
| George: (looking at photo album) Now, is that your family, or some sort of escape from the kennel shop? Because I swear, they are the most canine |
| bunch of lookin' mother...I don't even wanna talk about it. |
|
| AAAHHH! Oh. Forgot I was with you, forgot I was with you. |
|
| Oh, you baked for the trip, huh? That's terrific. I mean, I'd rather eat the tail end off a skunk. You know, a little stanky skunky? |
|
| Kerri: The trip was nearing an end, and I couldn't bear it. My Romeo, My Romeo! |
|
| George's sock puppet: I don't like you so much. For one, you're stinky, and for two, you don't smell so nice! |
|
| George: I'm with you pal, I'm with you. |
|
| Hey, I wanna make a toast. Here's to you. (takes a sip of milk, and spits it all over) |
|
| Kerri: Inevitably, our wonderful trip had to come to an end, and fate took its natural course. |
|
| (they walk out of a chapel, just married, and he drives off without her.) |
|
| George: Say, you wanna hear my impression of a walrus? Aaahhhh. The walrus is you! |
|
| Precinct |
|
| Tom: Not a very funny day, here at the old police precinct. We're in one of our moods. Maybe you should just move along. |
|
| All: Move along, move along. |
|
| Ben: Go to something else. |
|
| Polar Bears |
|
| Stan (Ken): All right Polar bears, all right! here's to another sub-zero swim! |
|
| All: Whoo-hoo! |
|
| Stan: Membership is up twenty percent this year! |
|
| All: Whoo-hoo! |
|
| Stan: Congress is made up of the senate and the house of representatives! |
|
| All: Whoo-hoo! |
|
| Stan: Okay, put Charlie next to the fire, warm him up a bit. |
|
| Mike B: You can put Charlie next to the fire all you want, but it's not gonna get his heart pumping again. |
|
| Joe: He's dead! |
|
| All: Whoo-hoo! |
|
| Stan: Sure, sure, but I was thinking, we all got pretty hungry swimming around out there, and uh..Virgil forgot to call the caterers for our usual hot |
| buffet. |
|
| Virgil (Kevin): I was going to, but my phone melted when I was welding! |
|
| All: Hey! |
|
| Stan: Well, I was thinking that, if nobody minded, we could heat up Charlie and make our own buffet! Whadaya say? |
|
| All: Yahoo! |
|
| MIke B: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you suggesting that we eat Charlie because Virgil forgot to call the caterers? |
|
| Joe: No, we're suggesting we eat Charlie because we're hungry. Stan was blaming Virgil. |
|
| Virgil: I was welding I tell ya! Welding my phone! |
|
| Ben: Yahoo! Yipee, eee..ack..ack..(choking, runs to get water) |
|
| Stan: Polar Bears in favor of eating Charlie? |
|
| All: I! |
|
| Mike B: Hold on a second, what about his family? |
|
| Stan: We're not that hungry! |
|
| All: Ha ha ha ha ha! |
|
| Stan: Pete Rose! |
|
| All: Hey! |
|
| Kerri: Pete rose, what? |
|
| Tom: Let's eat! |
|
| All: Okay! |
|
| Mike B: Stop! I will not let you desecrate the body of our good friend Charlie! |
|
| All: Yeah! |
|
| Kerri: I agree with it, but I don't know why! |
|
| All: Yeah! |
|
| Stan: All right, Polar Bears, I have another idea! |
| Instead of eating Charlie, let's give him a proper burial! |
|
| All: Whoo-hoo! |
|
| Stan: At sea! |
|
| All: Whoo-hoo! |
|
| Stan: And then let's wash my car! |
|
| All: booo...booo! |
|
| Stan: Pete Rose! |
|
| All: Whoo-hoo! |
|
| Betty's No-Good Clothes Shop and Pancake House |
|
| Ben: Are you butt ugly with nasty-ass taste? Do you like pancakes? Then come on down to Betty's No-Good Clothes Shop and Pancake House. |
| Hanus dresses for big fat hoggies. Cheap tacky ill-fitting suits that were never in style. Sticky tight clothes for old people. And pancakes, mmm... |
| And, while you're here, why don't you check out our grubby snotty little kid's department where you'll find awful itchy kid's polyester jumpsuits |
| that'll get the crap knocked out of 'em at school, and pancakes! So, put a bag on your head, and hop on the ugly bus to Betty's No-Good Clothes |
| Shop and Pancake House. Terrible, terrible clothes, and pancakes. |
|
| Announcer: BETTY'S NO-GOOD CLOTHES SHOP AND PANCAKE HOUSE! |
|
| Ray Gun |
|
| Kerri: Hi. You caught us at a pretty funny day here at the old police precinct. I think some antics are going in (?) soup- just watch! |
|
| Sarge (Todd): And last on this morning's agenda, the cleaning staff has asked that we not throw our cigarette butts in the urinals. Oh, and one more |
| thing, one more thing...uhh...there is a new weapon out on the streets, a ray gun (holds up ray gun) and if you are shot with this, you will be killed |
| instantly, so let's be careful out there. |
|
| Ken: Whoa, whoa, Sarge, can you expand on that? |
|
| Sarge: Well, hey. Look guys, I don't care where you put your cigarette butts, but the cleaning ladies, they gotta-- |
|
| Joe: No, no, the ray gun. What happens if you get shot with them? |
|
| Sarge: Oh, that. Well, If you get shot, every molecule in your body will become excited, and you will be disintegrated. |
|
| Ben: Sarge, what do you mean when you say every molecule in my body's gonna be excited? |
|
| Sarge: Ahh. Imagine a hot air popcorn popper. The unpopped kernels sit in the bottom of the popper, hot air is applied, causing them to move about |
| excitedly until they pop. |
|
| Mike S: Sarge, my honey and I still use a hot oil popper, does the metaphor still work? |
|
| Sarge: Yes, the metaphor is the same. |
|
| Kevin: How much oil should I use in that scenario? |
|
| Sarge: An eighth of an inch, in the kind of pot you'd use to make a stew in. |
|
| Kerri: Sarge, I like stew. |
|
| All: I like stew... I love stew. |
|
| Tom: What about goulash, I like goulash. |
|
| Sarge: That may be, but you can't pop goulash. |
|
| Pappa Goulash (David): Me?? |
|
| Sarge: Not you Pappa Goulash! |
| Now, does everybody understand the popcorn-ray gun metaphor? |
|
| Ben: Sarge, I think all of my molecules are getting excited. |
|
| All: Me, too... mine, too! Whoa! Whoa! |
|
| Sarge: Whoa!! Who feels like a cigarette? Great! To the urinals! Pappa Goulash, a little morgue music. |
|
| Pappa G: (Playing the trombone.) |
|
| (in the bathroom , throwing cigarette butts in the urinals) |
| Sarge: Doug, we're not gonna arrest ya, everything's okay! |
|
| Louie (Ken): Hey everybody! |
|
| Narrator: Due to illness, for the next several seconds, the part of Doug, usually played by Michael Showalter, will be played by Louie. |
|
| Sarge: (answering phone) Doug, it's your dad, he wants to talk to you. |
|
| Louie: Whatever! I--am--outta here!! |
|
| Doug IV |
|
| Doug (Mike S.): You wanted to talk to me dad? |
|
| Dad (Tom): Yeah Doug, come on in. What that thing in your nose? |
|
| Doug: It's a nose ring dad, what are you gonna do, cut off my nose ring and spite my face? I'm Doug! Forget it, you don't understand. I'm outta here. |
|
| Dad: Hey! Cut me some slack "G." I do understand, and when you have a son then you'll understand, too. Why don't you think about that for a |
| minute huh? Hey, you guys wanna see my greenhouse? |
|
| Friends: Yeah... |
|
| Doug: Me, a dad..me a dad, me a dad...(daydreaming) |
|
| Dave (Ben): Hi dad, Hi grandpa. You wanted to talk to me? |
|
| Doug: Yeah Dave, I do. Where were you last night Dave? |
|
| Dave: Under the bridge, carving my name in my girlfriend's arm. It's called young love warden (?) you wouldn't understand. Forget it, I'm takin' |
| her! |
|
| Doug's Dad: I remember a shy little boy named Doug who said something very similar. |
|
| Doug: Hey hey, Dave, it's okay. Tattoos are cool. Your mom and I did the same thing, see? [Lifts sleeve and shows "KAREN" carved into his arm.] |
|
| Dad (grandpa?): Me and grandma, too. [Lifts shirt, and shows "CAROL" carved on his chest.] |
|
| Dave: Oh, just because we all have tattoos, now it's like Tango and Cash. This buddy movie doesn't have a happy ending, dad. And the special |
| effects suck! Forget it, I'm takin' her! |
|
| Doug: Hey whippersnapper, not so fast. You're Dave and I'm Doug, and I'm also your dad, but I'm still Doug, and I know it's hard being a kid. |
|
| Dave: I'm Dave, dad, not Doug. Right dad's dad? |
|
| Dad: Let him go Doug, Dave's Dave. |
|
| Doug: Hey. I'm Doug, Dave's dad, and I know how to raise Dave, dad! |
|
| Dave: Oh, here we go again, Doug Doug Dave, and I'm the goose every time. Make the goose clean the goose's room, goose do this, goose do that! |
|
| Doug: Hey-hey..you're not the goose! The goose 'tis I. 'Tis Doug whose downy feathers have 'ere been ruffled. Forget it I'm outta here. |
|
| Dave: No way dad, it's your house! I'm outta here! |
|
| Dad: He's right Doug. Dave should be outta here. |
|
| Doug: Fine, go. |
|
| Dave: Oh, I get it. Throw me to the walls and I'll be an orphan like Oliver Twist, but without the Twist. Just Oliver. You wouldn't understand, I'm |
| Oliver! |
|
| Doug: Hey Dave, can you just pick one exit line and stick to it? |
|
| Dad: He's right. It'll catch on much faster. |
|
| Dave: I'm working on it. Sheesh! Come on guys, let's go. |
|
| Friend (Joe): Uhh....Dave, I think we're gonna hang here with your dad, Doug, and Doug's dad, Don, if ya dig? |
|
| Dave: Whatever. I'm making a beelii---iiine for the doooooooo---ooo----oooor, door! |
|
| Dad: You guys wanna crank call Neil young? |
|
| Friends: Yeah.... |
|
| Doug: I'm outta here. |
|
| (daydream ends) |
|
| Dad: So, did you think about it? |
|
| Doug: Yeah, and you're right. Dads do understand. |
|
| Dad: See? I told you so. |
|
| Doug: Oh, I get it. So I guess that means you're always right and I'm always wrong. Dads are Dads and Dougs are Dougs and never the Twain (?) |
| shall meet. Forget it, I'm outta heeere! |
|
| Don's Dad (David): (enters) Hey son, how's Doug? |
|
| Don: I don't know Rumplestiltskin. How's Geezerville? Forget it, I'm splittin! |
|
| Don's Dad: Jello shots guys? |
|
| Friends: yeah... |
|
| Froggie Jamboree |
|
| Tom: Hi, Kerri and I wrote a skit called "Froggie Jamboree" and the rest of The State didn't like it, and they sort of got sick of us asking to do it, so |
| we said, can we do it under the credits, and they said, you know "Do whatever the hell you want to do." So, without any further ado...the credits, |
| and Froggie Jamboree |
|
|
|
