Episode 202:
I'm Watching
Babysitter (Joe):  Well, I know..I know that, but he's called six times already.  I'm babysitting, and I'm here all alone.  Well..I- I'm getting really
scared, I am.  Wha- would you, would you just trace the call, please?  Will you just please do that for me please?  Will you just do that, trace the
(phone rings)
Voice on phone:  I'm still watching you!
(Phone rings again)
Babysitter:  Listen you crazy bastard!  I've already called the-
Cop (on phone):  Linda, Linda.  It's me, Sgt. Muldoon.  Check the other phone.  We've traced the call.  Linda, the call is coming from inside your
pants.  Get out of your pants.  Linda, do you hear me?   For God's sake, get out of your pants!
Babysitter:  (Looking in her pants)  AHHHH!
Pre-school Narc
Narrator (Mike B):  Before these children are old enough for the first grade, chances are, they will be offered drugs.  To stop this problem, the federal
police have placed several deep-cover narcotics officers.  One of these children is, in fact that officer.
Officer (Ben):  Oh, yeah.  Our undercover nursery school program has been very successful.  Much more successful than some of our other programs.
The undercover traffic cops didn't work out.  The undercover park ranger program was, well...pointless.  But I've really worked my way into the
Midvale Elementary School system.  I'm close to finding the pusher, and I brought our T-Ball team to number one.  
(To little girl)  Tying your shoes, huh?
Little Girl:  Yeah, it's hard.
Officer:  Why, are you on grass?
Yeah.  It's tough, I mean...I've been undercover for this many.  But you never forget you're a cop.
Kid:  Duck, duck, goose!
Officer:  Freeze!  
I mingle, I network, I keep my ear to the ground.  
(To little boy)  You know where I can score some blow?
Teacher (Kerri):  No talking.  
Officer:  And then, all at once, it all pays off.
(He sees bad-ass kid (Mike B) counting cash, and a chase scene ensues.)
Teacher:  No running, guys.
Officer:  Police officer!
Teacher:  Still no running!
Officer:  He turned out clean, counting milk money.  We nailed him for eating glue, but the judge let him off with a note his parents had to sign.
Kids:  Paul is a narc!  Paul is a narc!
Officer:  My cover was blown, but I wouldn't call the mission a total waste.  I can tie my shoes now.
Monkey Noises
Voice-over (Kevin):  The following color bars and monkey noises are closed-captioned for the hearing impaired.  
Get a Job
Wally (Ken):  You see what I'm sayin' Wilson?  Everybody likes eating salad, but nobody likes preparing 'em, right?  So what we do is, we make
an enormous tossed salad in like, the uhh..the trunk of my car.   Then we drive around the neighborhood, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...makin' mixed salad for
everybody, all the neighbors, make a lot of money, we call it the a, the uhh..
Wilson (Mike B):  The green machine?
Wally:  Yes, the green machine.  Then we paint ourselves green, stick tomatoes in our ears, it's a promotional thing, you know?
Ma (Kerri):  Wally!  Wally!
Wally:  I'm out here, Ma.
Ma:  I should have known, I thought maybe you went out to get a job.
Wally:  What am I nuts?  I'm working on it, Ma.  Don't you realize that I'm working on it?
Ma:  How can you be working on it, when all you do is sit around the garage all day wit' Wilson?  Wilson, how do you eat?
Wilson:  Well, I was hoping I could stay for dinner tonight, Mrs. Corchese.
Ma:  Sweetheart, why don't you try the Taco Hut, they're hiring.  
Wally:  What am I nuts, what am I nuts?  Do-do I look "Taco Hut" to you?  Wilson?
Wilson:  No.
Wally:  Ma, Ma, Ma, do you even know what they do with that Taco Hut with their bovine growth hormones in their meat that have been
medically proven to lower the sperm count in laboratory rats, Ma?  Is that what you want, Ma?  Do you want your son's sperm lowered, Ma?  Do
you want your grandchildren to be laboratory rats, Ma?  Wilson?
Wilson:  I would not like my grandchildren to be laboratory rats, no.  
Ma:  Sweetheart, you have to get a job.  
Wally:  Ma!  I look for one everyday, but I'm never gonna find one.
Ma:  Why?
Wally:  Because the man is keepin' me down, Ma.
Ma:  Your father?
Wally:  No Ma, the Man.  The big boy, the government guy, the gravy-maker, the money-taker, Ma.  Whitey, Ma.  Whitey's keepin' me down!
What am I nuts?  it's all a conspiracy, ain't that right, Wilson?
Wilson:  Absotutely!  
Ma:  Wilson, don't you have a home?
Wilson:  Well, I was hopin' I could crash here tonight, if that would be all right, Mrs. Corchese.
Ma:  Sweetheart, why don't you try getting a job at the bowling alley?
Wally:  What am I nuts?  Right, grab me a stubby yellow pencil, so I can start writing strikes and spare marks on my college degree.
Ma:  Sweetheart, I brought someone over to talk to you about getting a job, it's your uncle Al.  AL!!
Wally:  Ma....
Al (Mike S):  Hey, Howie (?)  my boy.  Tuddakinny!  Tuddakinny!  Tuddakinny!  Hey Wally, why don't you come with me, get a job at the
Wally:  The docks?  What am I nuts?  Are my eyes bulging out?  is my face turning a turquoise color?  I feel like I'm being choked by a blue collar
Al:  Oh, Wally...everybody's workin' there.
Wally:  Uncle Al, Uncle Al.  Do I look like a cow?  what am I nuts?  Have I been talking in "moos" this whole time?  I mean, that's a job for
cattle.  Wilson, have I been mooing?
Wilson:  You have not bee mooing or ...(?)... to my knowledge, no.
(Pop (Joe) enters)
Wally:  Pop.
Pop:  Get a job.
Wally:  What am I nuts?
Pop:  Get a job.
Wally:  But, Dad...my sperm, it'll evaporate.
Pop:  Get a job.
Wally:  But, Pop, the man is keepin' me down!
Pop:  Get a job.
Wally:  But Dad, the minimum wage is bad, Pop, it's bad.  Wilson?
Pop:  Wilson, go home.
Get a job or you don't eat here anymore.
Wally:  A job!  Ha-hey!  What am I nuts, that's a great idea.  I'm gonna go get a job, and then I'll come back here and get something to eat...
Pop:  You see Al, you just gotta be stern with the boy.  You know, these kids today, they get all these crazy ideas in their head...Yeah, ay ohh.  
You know, Al, what I'm in the mood for?
Al:  What is that, Rich?
Pop:  I am in the mood for a great big tossed salad.
Ma:  Oh, yeah.  That sounds good.
Al:  Yeah, me too.  I don't feel like preparin' one though.
Pop:  Well, that's the thing, you know, preparing a salad, it's just such a pain in the ass.
Al:  Right in the ass, right in the ass.
Jurassic Park
Announcer:  Now through October 10th at the St. James Theater, Tony Award winner Steven Carlyse, is his acclaimed one-man show, "Jurassic
Steven (Tom):  Welcome...to Jurassic Park.
Woughhh!  Woughhh!
Announcer:  All the excitement of the largest grossing movie of all time, brought to life by a shining star of the American stage.
Steven:  Dammit!  Can't you see?  Without misery, I can't get Jurassic Park back alive.  
Announcer:  Plus, seven new songs by Grammy winner Terence Donahue.
Steven:  This is a crazy island.
With dinosaurs everywhere.
I wish I never came here.
They're really getting in my hair!
Announcer:  Now through October 10th at the St. James Theater, Steven Carlyse in "Jurassic Park."
Steven:  Tim!  Lex!  Rrrun!  Ruuuun!  Ah!
Norwegian Cruise
Kerri:  This vacation, I will wear a bikini everywhere.
Mike J:  I will be drunk before 10 a.m.
Kerri:  I will use my charm to seduce a hand puppet.
Mike J:  I will pretend I am a priest and expose myself to donkeys.
Kerri:  I will make love to a clown.
Mike J:  I will send postcards to my socks.
Kerri:  I will break bottles with my ass.
Mike J:  I will be assassinated by monkeys.
Things are a little different out here.
I will teach potatoes to swim.  The hard way.
Maybe I should just stay home.
Battleship I
Mike B:  B3?
Tom:  That's a hit.  That's my destroyer.
Mike B:  Well, you know the rules.
Tom:  (takes his pants off.)  Yeah.
Mike B:  You know, this uhh...this game would be a lot more fun if I had any desire at all to see you naked.
Tom:  Yep.  Yep.  Ditto.  Uhh...D2?
Mike B:  That's a hit.  That's a hit.  (taking off his shirt.)
Copy Shop
Johnny (Ken):  Good afternoon, sir.
Mike S:  Good afternoon.
Johnny:  How can I help you today?
Mike S:  I'd like some copies please.
Johnny:  Okay.
Mike S:  Give me all the money in your cash register!
Johnny:  Give me all the money in your cash register!
Mike S:  What is this, a joke?
Johnny:  What is this, a joke?
Mike S:  I'm serious man, I'll do it!
Johnny:  I'm serious man, I'll do it!
Mike S:  What are you doing?
Johnny:  What are you doing?
Mike S:  Oh, I see.
Johnny:  Oh, I see.
Mike S:  Oh, that's very funny.
Johnny:  Oh, that's very funny.
Mike S:  Ha ha ha.
Johnny:  Ha ha ha.
Both:  Do you realise I'm crazy?  I got nothing to lose!  There's a gun in here, and I might use it!
Arrghh!  Errr!  Shh, not me you, shh, not me, no no no!  No!  Ahhh!
Johnny:  Ver good, sir.  That'll be three dollars and fourteen cents.  You know what?  Make it three dollars, those last couple of copies weren't even
full sentences.  
Mike S:  I'm not gonna pay you for that!
Johnny:  Oh!  Well, we don't give out freebies here, sir.  (Whistles)  Officer!
Cop (Tom):  What's going on in here?
Johnny:  What's going on in here?
Cop:  Ha ha.  (Throws him a quarter)
Johnny:  Nah, that's one's on me Jack.
Cop:  Ah, thank you, Johnny.  So, what seems to be the problem?
Johnny:  Oh, well I gave this guy a bunch of copies, and he refuses to pay me for 'em.
Joe:  I need to get a three-color copy please.
Johnny:  Certainly, Sir.  Jerry!
(Jerry (Ben) enters.  He's painted three different colors.)
Jerry:  Can I help you?
Joe:  Have you seen my doggie?
Jerry:  Have you seen my doggie?
Joe:  His name is Rufus.
Jerry:  His name is Rufus.
Joe:  And he's brown.
Jerry:  And he's brown.
Joe:  And he's got big floppy ears.
Jerry:  And he's got big floppy ears.
Joe:  That's perfect, thanks very much.
Johnny:  Thank you sir, have a very good day.  Now Jack, Jack...this guy refuses to pay me, I'm about to get my afternoon rush.
Cop:  Hey, man.  I'm taking you downtown.
Mike S:  All right.  Here's your three bucks.  I'll be back.
Johnny:  Right.
Ah, all right here they come, Jerry...I need you out here ASAP!  Come on Jerry let's go.
(All being copied)
Mike B:  How you doin' okay.  Now this too ...(?)...  it's too much, it's too much!
Todd:  I don't want to sound like an idiot, but duh duh duh...
David:  How ya doing?  And now, the world's greatest animal trainer, Gunther Gable Williams!
Kerri:  Taxi!  Taxi!  Taxi!
All:  Ahh....Beer Beer Beer Biddily Beer Beer Beer!  
Mike S:  (returns)  You!  You see this?  (Hits his head with a baseball bat)  Give me six-hundred of those!
And you!  Beer Beer Beer...
All:  Biddily Beer Beer Beer!  Beer Beer Beer...
(Mike S robs the shop while everyone else is singing.)
Battleship II
(Both are now completely nude)
Mike B:  Well, what do you feel like doing now?
Tom:  I don't know.  I'm sorta thinking about putting my pants on.
Mike B:  Yeah.  Me too, me too.  
Tom:  Yeah.
Mike B:  This-this was maybe a bad idea.
Tom:  Yeah.
Super Friends
Announcer:  Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
Wonder Woman (Kerri):  Superman, it's Flash.
Flash (Ben):  (Runs in)  Uh!  (Panting)  Fire...kids...hurry... Oh!
Aquaman (Mike B):  Can I get you some water?
Flash:  Please.
Batman (David):  Good, Flash is already here.  You all know what to do.
All:  No.
Batman:  Well, the volcano's exploded, we've got to act fast.
Superman (Ken):  Right, Batman, Robin, you find some way to block future transmissions.  Wonder Woman, you stop Dr. Spiker, and find out
what he knows.  Flash, run to the Andes Mountains, and get those plants.  I'll go stop the missiles that have already been launched.  Aquaman,
you go...talk to some fish!
All (except Aquaman):  (Laughing hysterically)
Superman:  Break!  Let's go!
Flash:  Oh!  Taxi!
Eating Muppet
Announcer:  Meanwhile on the other side of town, unbeknownst to the Superfriends, a very pleasant dinner party was well underway.
Flash:  Taxi, please.
Mrs. Bob (Todd):  Oh, thank you both so much for finally having us over to your new place.
Steve (Mike S):  Well, we are so happy you could be here.
Kerri:  I'm going to the kitchen, would anybody like anything else?
Bob (Ken):  Yeah, yeah.  Could I get some more of this neon blue...I think it's meat?
Kerri:  Sure Bob.
Bob:  What is it, it's terrific!
Steve:  Isn't it?  
Bob:  Yeah.
Steve:  We never had any until we moved to the area, but now we are hooked!
Mrs. Bob:  Is it fish?
Kerri:  No, it's muppet.
Bob:  I'll be darned.  I didn't know you could eat muppet.
Kerri:  Well, yeah, it was Steve's idea.  We backed over one our first night here.
Bob:  Huh?
Steve:  Yeah, the little guy was learning his numbers off the licence plate, and it seemed like a waste to bury it, so I said, "Hey, let's fry it up!"
Bob:  Waste, not want ...(?)...
Mrs. Bob:  That's awful, eating run-over muppet!
Kerri:  Oh, no.  We didn't run over this one.  Steve's become quite the hunter, haven't you sweetie?
Steve:  Honey...
Kerri:  Why don't you show 'em?
Steve:  All right.
Bob:  Come on Steve, (mumbles)
Steve:  You're gonna love it, you're gonna love it.
(out the window)  I sure could use some help counting to four.  
Muppet:  Well, we could start by counting the legs on our table.
Wha-ooww!  (As Steve breaks its neck)
Bob:  Oh no.  Now, I'll never know how many legs a table has.
All:  (laugh)
Bob:  Hey, they got a lot of meat on there.
Kerri:  Oh, but that's a green one.  Try for a blue one, Steve.  We only have red wine.
Bob:  Oh, ooh!  Can I try?  Would that be okay?
Steve:  Sure, yeah.
Bob:  I wanna give it a shot.
Gee, the bus station is far.  I wonder what's near.
Big Monster Muppet:  Near.
Steve:  Show us...far.
Big Monster Muppet:  Far....
Steve:  Yikes!
Bob:  I was full anyway.
Kerri:  Why don't you take one home as a pet?
Bob:  That's a great idea.
Steve:  The kids will love it!
Boy, I sure do wish I knew how to tie my shoes...I may trip...I wonder what words start with the letter "O"...I wonder...
David:  Well, let's sing the "O" song, then.  And it's gonna help you tie your shoes, too.
Did you know that I love that letter "O"
Tie up my old shoe-
Mrs. Bob:  (over David's singing)  I'm not taking that home to my son, because I'll end up cleaning up after it.
David:  Hey, let's sing a song about Oregon, Oh!
OH!!!  (as Steve breaks his neck.)
Kerri:  Stay for desert?
Bob:  Sure, always have room for that.
High Brow/ Low Brow
Joe:  Hi.  We're The State.  You know, we've received a lot of reviews of our show.  Some good, some bad.  But here's two that we'd like to share
with you right now.  This is from the Chicago Sun Times, who gave us three stars.  "MTV's The State slices and dices hypocrisy."  Mmm.
Mmm!  And this is from the New York Post, who gave us a negative two stars, which is two stars less than no stars at all.  "There seems to be a
consensus fixation on penises and nascent peter-panism."  I don't know...I don't know.  Anyway, we've realized that, you know, different people like
or dislike the show for different reasons, so tonight, we thought it'd be a great idea if we were all things to all people.  Enjoy.
(Split screen.  Left caption, "Low Brow"  It's Ken in overalls looking strangely similar to an Inbred Brother playing with a whoopee cushion, and
laughing hysterically.  Right caption, "High Brow" with a suave looking Tom telling this barely-audible joke-)
Tom:  So, Winston Churchill, when he was the Prime Minister, was at a dinner party, and he was seated next to a VERY attractive young lady.
And Churchill turns to her, and he says, "Madam, would you have intercourse with me for a hundred thousand pounds?"  And the lady says, "Why
yes, I would."  So then Churchill says, "Would you have intercourse with me for ten thousand?"  And the lady says, "Why Mr. Churchill, what do
you think I am?"  And Churchill says, "We've already determined that.  Now we're just trying to decide on a price."
The State Page